Why Being ‘In Love’ is So Hard
If you’ve ready my book, Finding Male Sexuality, you may recall the chapters where I talked about my sexual and intimate experiences with the Tantric Goddess. She is and always has been a beautiful woman – talented, intelligent, and loving. Even though we don’t date any more we still stay in contact every now and then. We’ll always love each other and we acknowledge that every time we talk.
I’ve written extensively on love over the years because it’s one of the most powerful forces in the universe, but also one of the most misunderstood. It brings us so much joy in life and often so much pain. It helps to have a solid perspective on love so that we can navigate our own hearts and minds as we continue to relate to past, current, and future partners.
The most misunderstood form of love, and the one that produces some of the deepest ecstasies and pains, is when we fall “in love”. I was talking to the Tantric Goddess the other day and she opened up to me about some challenges she was having with a man she met a few years back. They were dating at one time, but haven’t been together for over almost two years.
Let me back up and give some background for what I want to illustrate. I was in her city a few years back and we set up a time to see each other for dinner. During our time together we talked about this guy and I could tell she was deeply ‘in love’ with him. Actually, I could tell this was the deepest ‘in love’ experience she’s ever had in her life. She didn’t tell me she was ‘in love’, but what she described certainly fit the bill, plus, I could see it in her eyes. I can always tell when a woman is ‘in love’ with a man. I also observed she had no desire to connect to other men and her mind was consumed by this man. It was stressing her out on a number of levels because she wanted more from the relationship, but he wasn’t giving it to her. I didn’t say much to her about it when we talked that day because some things are best left alone. When a woman’s ‘in love’ with a man she won’t necessarily be open to certain observations. It’s better to let things run their corse and offer support later.
Fast forward eighteen months to our conversation a few days ago. She says she still sees him every now and again. She said she’s cordial to him. She doesn’t say some things that she really wants to say, but it’s killing her not too. She doesn’t reach out to him too excessively. She still can’t really be with anyone else and has changed a lot of her standards around relationships. She said, “I just can’t go back there with another man. I can’t endure this kind of pain when I give my all and he lets me down. It’s too much for me. I can’t sleep, eat, or focus on basic things.” I can relate to what she’s saying. I’ve been ‘in love’ before and it can affect every aspect of your life. When it’s good it’s fucking awesome, but when it’s bad, it’s the absolute worst there ever was or can be. For every high there must be a low, right? That’s just the law of things, but in the beginning the lows are definitely worth it.
I figured now would be a good time to offer some observations I had from a few years ago. This is what I told her:
“Goddess, you’re going to have to come to grips with the fact you’re deeply and madly in love with this man. Your attraction towards him is a matter of the heart. Its’ not intellectual. There’s no logical strategy you can apply in this situation to bring you peace or resolution. It doesn’t work that way. The mind can’t trick the heart. The first thing is to admit how you truly feel about him on a deep level. If you lie to yourself, you’ll only suffer more.”
“Next, you need to understand what the lesson of being in love with someone is. It’s about learning to bring the mind in line with the heart, not vice versa. You’re in pain right now because you’re fear of being vulnerable and your ideas of what a relationship should be are in direct conflict with how you feel. Your expectations for him and how he should communicate with you and show up in your life are invalid. Your heart doesn’t care about your rules or philosophies on life. You’re heart doesn’t care who’s watching and who thinks what. Your heart doesn’t even care about what your mind and ego thinks it wants. Can you understand what I’m saying?”
“Goddess, you’re being taught to be vulnerable and honest with yourself, him, and everyone in your life for that matter. You told me it feels good to see him at events and you enjoy talking to him, but that’s not the truth of the heart. That’s not how you really feel. What you feel is that you want him to pull you into the bathroom and fuck the dog shit out of you until you forget your name. There’s nothing cordial or nice about how you feel when you see him.”
“If you were to be honest with yourself you’d admit that you don’t really care what he does, who he fucks, or when he decides to text back. At one time you did care about all of that, but that was your mind talking. Those were silly rules you’ve adopted from television sitcoms, romance novels, and movies. They have no bearing on reality. All you really care about is having him in your life for any time he’s able to give. You want him in your life, not out of your life. You want him inside of you. You realize the folly of attempting to force him into a relationship protocol corner because all it has done is push him away from you. Who suffers in the end? The pain of not having any access to him at all verses something, anything is the reality your mind has created by attempting to trump and trick the heart.”
“The heart is forcing you to admit that your silly relationship rules are meaningless. Your heart is forcing you to realize what other people think is completely and totally irrelevant. Your heart is demanding that you stop trying to be cool and make everything look neat and tidy. Your heart wants the tears you haven’t shed for years and years. Your heart wants the tears from the last relationship and the one before, that you refuse to give up. Why? Because that’s how you really feel and life can’t be lived without authentic feeling. Your mind is only one part of the equation, but feeling is just as important.”
“In other words, being ‘in love’ is a message to your mind that it doesn’t know what it’s talking about and needs to change and if it doesn’t pain will be the result. There’s no escape. No holy water. No yoga. No meditation. No prayer. Only acceptance, vulnerability, messiness, and the ability to go with the flow of life – the flow of the heart.”