The Keys to Brotherhood

The question is, “What will it take for men to come together in unity, love, and true brotherhood?”  What will it take for men to be brothers and care for and look out for one another?  I addressed some of this in my last article, Why Only Alpha Males Can Share Pussy, but I wanted to go into more detail.

When we say brother what do we mean?  Why is the term ‘brother’ used to describe the tightest bond that could be shared between men who are no kin to each other?  When a man says this is my brother, it’s serious, but the question is what’s the true bond between them?  Let’s break it down.  A brother is someone you have a blood tie to through your mother and father.  But let’s keep it real, the blood tie that counts is through the mother.  If you had to choose, which common parent scenario is most necessary to bond males together: (a) the men that share a common mother but NOT a common father or (b) the men that share a common father, but NOT a common mother?  Most people would say (a) – the common mother.  Two males in the house with a common mother is key, not that the father is not important because he is.

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Your mother takes care of you and nurtures you from the earliest age you can remember.  This creates an unbreakable bond stronger than any other in the world.  It’s a bond intentionally and perfectly designed by nature.  As a man, you are bound to her and she is bound to you.  The bond between boy and father is important too, but develops later in life as your father becomes your guide and teacher.  A father’s influence is more indirect in the in a child’s early years compared to that of the mother.  Yes he’s protecting and providing for you, but you don’t recognize that fully until you get older.  In addition, there is a masculine and feminine element that plays out as well between boy and mother that further strengthens the love.

This goes back to my theory in the previously mentioned article about a woman’s love and affections being at the heart of the bond between men.  That includes the love and affection of a mother, especially.  Two males growing up being nurtured by the same woman and protecting her and being present with that women (their mother) is at the center of the biological brotherhood bond.  It’s not so much about you all being of the same blood.  There’s no proof that sharing the same blood as your sibling bonds you closer together.  If I exchanged another baby at the hospital for your brother who looked just like you and your mother, the bond would be the same.  The only exception is when we suspect the other child is not blood.  Then our beliefs get in the way of the bond, but other than that there’s no difference.  Think about that for a second.  I know they say blood is thicker than water, but why is that really?  Is the blood between siblings magnetizing each other?  Is the blood talking the same language to you and your brother?  Hmm…

If we share different mothers it has an affect on our closeness.  Why?  Because as a boy I must protect that which needs to be protected, so part of our energy will be separated out the gate because I’m concerned with and protecting what’s over here and you’re protecting someone over there.  It’s my duty.  It’s my charge to protect my mother.  Nothing is more important than protecting your mother’s honor even as you’re firmly in adulthood.  It’s a central theme of your life and anyone you share that responsibility with is your brother for life.

What about the father portion?  When two males are accountable to the same father it bonds them together.  Being accountable to a father brings pain, challenges, toil, but also great rewards in the form of skills, support, teaching, counsel, affection, and understanding.  The father gives you a different kind of strength to help you be successful in the world.  He also gives you the example of how to carry yourself in various situations including relationships.  Again, a father’s influence is invaluable in a boy’s life, but it’s not as central to the brotherhood bond as the mother’s.

Living Scenario

In an optimal scenario you share the same household with your brother.  Why?  Because living in the same quarters as your brother further bonds you as men.  The combination of the same mother, plus, sharing daily living experiences and struggle is a binding agent.  What else can you think of that has the effect of bonding two boys together for life outside of growing up together in the same house and sharing a mother?  I’m sure there are some, but none as universally accepted those two.

Bonding of Unrelated Men

So then the question becomes, how do we create a bond between men who are not biologically related and who didn’t grow up together?  There are a number of ways to do this, which all involve creating artificial scenarios as the primary bonding agent.  For example, when you pledge a fraternity the artificial scenario is the men having the experience of struggling together.  In addition, the illusion of belonging to something that is special and unique acts as a bond as well.  It makes us feel special and helps us further identify with others in the same organization as you.  If you look at fraternities forty years ago, both of those experiences were set up very well.  The requirements and struggles to join a fraternity IF selected were difficult and required the support of your pledging brothers for success.  In addition, fraternities were very selective back then, creating a feeling of specialness amongst the members.  This specialness feeling bonded men together.  It was a feeling that needed to be protected, respected, and honored by the members and those outside the fraternity.  These factors bonded the men together.  When you look at fraternities today, both of those bonding experiences have been reduced to almost nothing; therefore, lessening the bond between the members because only the feeling of specialness remains, but not so strongly.

Another bonding mechanism is when two or more men share the same “needs” AND source for those needs without having an alternative.  If there is only one water hole and we both share it together and others are trying to get it, our bond can become close.  Why?  Because we need each other to protect that which we need most.  If something happens to you, my ability to protect that watering hole alone is greatly diminished.  I need you alive and healthy and you need the same from me.  That creates a bond, but what happens when I have an alternative.  What happens when one of the men is given another watering hole that doesn’t need protection?  Why risk my life every day when I have what I need for me and my family?  It gets touchy at that point.

When I was in spiritual culture, one of my brothers said, “Negros have too many choices.” when asked why black men don’t come together in unity.  He was right from one perspective.  There is just no obvious need to come together as men.  Yeah, there’s some violence and racism, but there’s also a lot of non-violence out there.  So, men say, do I want to struggle and risk my life every day or just go live my life?  Hmm…I’ll go live my life.

So, the “need” thing doesn’t really work.  It worked during slavery and segregation, but not now.  Today, you’ll hear a number of black leaders trying to create a state of emergency message that will act as a bonding agent amongst men and women, but it rarely works and when it does not for long.  Again, too many options.  In summary, toil and sharing needs does not foster long term brother hood in the face of choices and options.

Other bonding agents are religion, belonging to the same organization, having the same belief system, etc.  The only issue with religion is it’s largely a fear tactic and fear never works to bring people together.  Once they find safety somewhere else they’ll leave.  Personally, I believe many (not all) people in the Middle East are Islamic because of the social pressure to do so tied with the fear of repercussions of not being a part.  The same goes here in the U.S. when it comes to Christianity.  There just aren’t that many options that are realistic for most people.  I remember when I was in college, I almost became a born again Christian because I couldn’t find anything else.  I was like, “There aren’t any other options out here.”  Especially in the south.

In addition to the fear thing with religion is it’s all mental; meaning, I have to decide I have that philosophy otherwise I’m out.  If I don’t like the leader or the philosophy or find something else more interesting, I’m gone.  So purely mental bonds between men don’t work or are temporary, at best.  But how often does that happen with your mother?  Not often unless there was some serious abuse and even that is hard to transcend.  Even Eminem made up with his mother after dissing her album after album.

Business or money-based bonds?  Nah.  That doesn’t work either.  Men fall out and kill each other over money every day.  Music?  Nah, same thing.  All I saw growing up were music groups breaking up all over the place then I have to hear these brother dissing each other (i.e. Bird and Wayne, Jay and Dash, etc.).  *yawn*

The Keys to Real Brotherhood

So what’s the key to bring men together in true brotherhood?  I’ve said this before, but if a woman isn’t central in the picture you won’t have true long lasting brotherhood between men.  “Wait Rakhem, you just said men need to share the same mother and I’m sure you weren’t talking about Lucy.”  I said the motherhood-son relationship fostered the strongest bond between men, but absent that, a woman needs to be in the picture and not just any woman, but one the men genuinely love and care for.  I know this is tough for men to hear.  To think that men can’t have love for each other or lasting brotherhood without a woman being central can be disheartening.  But that said, many of the men thinking this don’t are not a part of a true brotherhood.  They may belong to an organization with other men, but that doesn’t make it brotherhood.

Men – What women do you love in your life?  What women do you protect and sacrifice for?  What woman brings out your warrior when she’s in need?  What woman do you view as someone who’s an integral part of your life based on her love and nurturing of you and your dreams?  Any?  When I ask this question, I mean for real.  A lot of men give lip service to shit like this, but when action is required they get ghost.  They’re like, “That’s my homegirl”, but fail to show up for her when she’s in real need.  I’m not talking about that, but actionable love for a woman.  For most men, our mother fits this scenario, maybe a sister, but that’s about it unless you’re married or in a committed relationship.

Solution #1 – Community

If we don’t have the same mothers, how do we share love for a woman?  One level of making this happen is community.  When we live together (or have a virtual community) and have a level of voluntary dependence on each other, it fosters closeness.  We get to know the men and women in our community and appreciate their uniqueness and that creates a liking and sometimes love for others.  In the beginning, community is just mental.  It’s an idea, but after spending time participating in community it changes from idea to practice.  And actually, people don’t even have to live together per se, but it helps.

But wait…

This isn’t the highest level of brotherhood.  Yes, community helps and fosters an environment for men to come together.  The men come together to protect and provide for the community and the children and real solid bonds are built.  I’ve seen this and lived this in my life so I have no question that brotherhoods can be built based on community.   But these protective elements of women, children, and each other must be there because just living amongst other men and women in itself doesn’t foster brotherhood.

So, Solution #1 – COMMUNITY

Solution #2 – Love, Women

Is there another solution or higher level?  Yes.  The highest level of brotherhood is fostered when men love the same women.  When I say love, I mean love fully – sexually, intimately, and everything in between.  If this sounds far fetched then read my article, Why Only Alpha Males Can Share Pussy; otherwise, let’s jump into my reasoning.

What’s the primary purpose of a mother in a man’s life; outside of the usual nurture, feed, etc?  It’s to teach him how to truly and deeply love a woman.  It’s to show him what unselfish love is all about.  It’s to show him what unconditional love is all about.  As a boy with brothers, you love your mother even when she gives your brother more attention, right?  You may be mad, but that doesn’t stop you from loving your mother.  This is where we learn to accept other males who love the same women as us without succumbing to jealousy.  This is the highest form of brotherhood.  If you’re not loving and sharing a woman with your brother then you haven’t reached the heights of what the brotherhood bond could be.  I’m not saying you can’t be close or have brotherhood, but I’m talking levels here.

Think about the mother example for a second.  I see men fall out, hurt each other, or themselves over a woman all the time.  So many of us missed the primary lesson our mothers were supposed to teach us, which is, I can love a woman deeply and share brotherhood with another man.  Think about it, if you can share your mother’s love, you can share any woman’s love.  Let’s drop the pettiness and get our shit together as men.    

In the movie Savages we were given an example of two men loving the same woman.  As in really, truly, deeply loving the same woman.  One of the characters warned the woman and said, if the men are sharing you it means they love each other more than you.  Guess what?  I agree with that.  Guess what else?  There’s nothing wrong with that.  I personally believe the love and bond between men should be stronger than between a man and a woman.  I know that goes against convention and the romantic fantasies we’ve been sold, but it’s true.  I’m talking about a bond.  The desire and passion for a women should be higher than that of a man, but not the love.  This has nothing to do with gay or homosexual anything, which has zero to do with this brotherhood topic, so stay focused.  Don’t allow your fear of male bonding and intimacy to cloud what I’m saying.

The biggest issue today with the black community is men not loving and caring for other men.  We’re still in competitive mode from slavery and from how we were in west Africa where it was all about status and prestige, just like you find today.  We lost our way even before we were forced into slavery.  We sell each other out today because there is no REAL love between men and if there’s no love between men, by default, there can’t be any love for our women.  A man can’t love a woman until he loves himself and if he loves himself, he loves his brother first.  That’s the order of the world.  Look at the atomic world; protons coming together with other protons and neutrons FIRST then connecting with their compliment the electron.  It’s just how we were designed.

I hate to sound cliche in all my articles, but LOVE truly is the answer.

Solution #2 – LOVE, WOMEN.

I didn’t say it would be easy; only that it would be the truth.

One Love,

[author title=”Carl E. Stevens, Jr.” author_id=””]

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