The 90 Day Rule for Men
I see a number of men criticizing women for their constant need for external guidance around relationships. When you look at the statistics, it’s true women spend way more than men on self help materials, classes, and information, but that’s not an accurate indicator of men’s need for the same support. That’s not an indication men aren’t doing a bunch of research, reading books, listening to audios and interviews, watching videos, observing other people, and seeking information ourselves. We are; trust me on that.
The real deal is men are just as confused about relationships as women. Men are looking for insights and dating strategy wherever we can find it, which brings me to the topic of this article – The 90 Day Rule. I should actually call this – The Steve Harvey 90 Day Rule – because he resurrected it from the grave. The whole concept of how long someone waits to have sex as an indicator of their worthiness for marriage was relegated to women deep in the Christian church. Even there it was having serious trouble staying afloat as people moved to do more back door on the low behavior opposed to living more freely. As a society we were moving away from sex-negative attitudes. We were moving towards a penis or vagina not being seen as sinful in and of themselves, until Steve resurrected it. Currently, some people have gone back into hiding and shame around their sexuality.
That’s just what women need, a resurgence of the shame movement around who they are, and were made to be – beautiful, sexual, creative beings. Great! And to think, the same carrot and stick routine is being employed by waving the promise of marriage in front of their faces to convince them to hide their sexuality once more. *tap tap tap* Just checking my watch to make sure it’s 2014.
Let’s be clear – when you choose to have sex is your business and you shouldn’t have sex until you’re ready. I firmly believe in that; however, using it as a strategy to get into the psyche of a potential husband is inauthentic and starting the relationship out on the wrong foot. You never want to secure your partner through a scheme or strategy. Authentic friendship and love for one another is always the best bet. Find someone who loves you for the real you.
But here’s the dilemma. We have men in dire straights and imposing desperate attempts to obtain THE woman who meets this standard. We have men actually forcing women to wait 90 days before having sex. Here’s the scenario – two people have been dating and the woman expresses interest in having sex, but the man does a calculation and it hasn’t been 90 days yet, so he declines. The conversation may go like this:
Woman: “Tonight was so much fun. How about we go to my place?”
Man: checks his iPhone and says, “Nah. We’ve only been dating for about three weeks. We have another 71 days to go before I’d let you have sex with me.”
Date ends. Man goes and fucks some woman he never intends to marry. Woman goes home confused, wondering if the man is maybe gay or not attracted to her and breaks out the Magic Bullet.
Here are the issues with men forcing the 90 day rule on women:
#1 – This rule was originally meant for women, not men.
It was meant for women to appear virgin like so the man can feel like she’s going to be loyal to him and bear only his children. Men wanted to feel like they were the only one, more so for paternity and to cover their ego-based insecurity issues. As a man, you’re not proving anything to her by waiting 90 days. Yes, if this was the fifties, it would also symbolically show her you wanted to be with her for man than sex. But when men did this back in the day, they weren’t having sex with anyone else. Both the man and woman were actually choosing individually to wait. That’s the difference.
#2 – The 90 day rule must be adopted by the woman to be worth anything.
Meaning, she has to decide that’s what she wants to do and have the will power to see it through. She has to have the wherewithal to hold out for you while resisting propositions from other men. It was a test of her fortitude, not yours. So you forcing her to do 90 days is like cheating on a Chemistry quiz. Would you want a scientist working for you that doesn’t know the periodic table? Then why would you want a ‘chaste’, virgin-like wife who couldn’t hold out for 90 days on her own, if that’s your highest standard for marriage? It doesn’t make any sense. Plus, it’s breaking the ‘man code’.
I remember during my young, stupid, non-progressive days of dating, when a woman waiting to have sex mattered and how many men she slept with could be either an asset (if under 5) or a liability (if over 10). Between five and 10 was considered a “toss up” and could go either way. This is actually how I thought before I knew anything about sex, women, or myself even. But, if a woman was down with sex at day seven or whatever, you had sex. It was our responsibility and duty as ‘males’ to give her the notch and report back to the ‘Guy Committee’ (GC) on our findings. “Yes sir it’s true. We fucked on the second date. Is that consistent with the data reported by other males?” The GC would tally all of the women’s numbers and send weekly reports out so we all had the updated figures. That way when a woman said she’s only been with two guys, we could check out worksheets and cross check her claims.
Ok, so that story was exaggerated, but the point still remains, you’re not doing yourself or anyone any favors by imposing your principles on someone else. We see what happens when this is done in religion – total disaster. If she’s not making herself adhere to 90 days, you forcing her, defeats the whole purpose.
The last thing is this – you need to talk with these women and let them know you’re looking for a wife. All women are not trying to marry you. A lot of women just want to have fun, release some tension, and have some good sex (hopefully). Again, it’s 2014, not 1930. Casual sex is the norm in our society. If you meet a woman in a club or lounge, to assume she wants to marry you is jumping the gun a bit. Or just because you like her like that doesn’t mean she likes you like that. The truth may hurt, but it’s better to know than not know.
A woman’s sexual promiscuity has no bearing on her ability to be a wife or life partner. The same goes for a man and his sexual exploits. Any man who thinks a woman who waits 90 days to have sex with him is somehow automatically wife material has it all twisted to begin with and basically deserves what she’s got waiting for him in the marriage. And you can trust me, if you can be played and manipulated that easy, and if you’re choosing women based on how many men she has slept with, you’re about to be in for the ride of your life.