What is Non-Sexual Open Relating?

Sex is a buzz word that often ruffles feathers as it pertains to polyamory, open relating, and freedom-based relationships, right?  The concept of having multiple sex partners is a very scary notion for some… no problem.

Guess what we’re going to do today??  Let’s take all things sexual out of the equation of polyamory – just for you!

Let’s talk about Non-Sexual Open Relating…

 

I’ve done a video on this – check it here.

Its simple to understand the concept of loving more than one of your children.   So in like manner, is it difficult to conceive of loving more than one person?  Sure it is, for those fixated on sex as a central element in relating.  Unfortunately we sometimes associate the beautiful and loving act of sex with disease, pregnancy and dirtiness.  We can only view sensuality as ‘sanctioned’ when we think of the one man one woman paradigm.  This is social conditioning, mostly.  So to LOVE more than one person, intimately, means to have sex with more than one person and THAT is the very concern we have when we think of polyamory.

OK… so taking sex out of the equation…

Let’s imagine for a moment that sexually exclusive partners could choose a segment of polyamory to add to their relationship style.  Maybe a monogamous couple might open up to the idea of their partner having friends outside the relationship, friends of the opposite sex or same sex, with whom they share emotional connection but not sensual interaction.   Let’s call it the non-sexual open relationship. This means relating in an ‘open’ way without the concern of sex with outside partners.  Imagine a sexually exclusive couple now has no bounds on whom they can befriend and make merry with in this non-sexual open relationship.  As well, this couple removes all of the Do’s and Don’ts of traditional marriage so that they can talk about anything with a spouse without feeling he or she will become afraid, insecure, or angry.

Good.  So we now exist in a relationship where there are no jailing statements or actions as in traditional marriage, for instance:

  • Being attracted to another woman or man is off limits
  • Having a sexual feeling toward another is off limits
  • having an emotionally charged and deeply connected relationship to another person is not off limits
  • Wanting something vastly different that what you wanted last year is off limits
  • Wanting something too different from what your partner wants is off limits
  • Enjoying yourself too much without your partner is off limits
  • I could go on…

Imagine all of that clutter – GONE!

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Now, let’s say that you can talk to your partner about any feeling you are having at any time.  If you want something sexually that he or she is not willing or able to give you, you can say that – it won’t hurt his or her feelings.  If you have a co-worker who you are feeling deeply connected with, you can share that, your partner will probably have a good laugh with you and discuss possible strategies to befriend the woman or man so that you can share lunch with him or her, with the only caveat being you will not have a sexual relationship with the person, but emotional openness is perfectly fine…

I know you are like – wth? – emotional relating always leads to sexual relating – well, that goes for people who keep emotional needs so pent up that they burst out into sexual frustration and run away without the mind’s intervention… that doesn’t happen in our sample non-sexual open relationship… right?  And if it does, we can talk about it without shaming or blaming our spouse.

Now, let’s go on to say that you and your partner can enjoy male or female friendships of all kinds.  There is no longer a tight box around who each partner can befriend.   Each partner, in fact, shares authentically about their friendships, easily, and you both discuss the various happenings in all of those occasional trysts with friends.  Hay, you might have a rich friend who just wants to give you gifts… just to have coffee with you from time to time… hubby is cool with that!  Your husband might have a lady friend whom he enjoys giving math lessons to as she is in college and needs his help – no problem – her beautiful body arousing him, not a problem in the least!  Your husband tells you funny stories about how he avoids looking at those her breasts, but that he loves em.  That he adores her!  No problem!  Right?

Let’s go on to say there is nothing you can’t share, or wouldn’t share, no more fear of being authentically who you are with your partner.  NOW you are in an non-sexual, open relationship!

Whats the good of it?

Well, in this kind of open relationship, one is free to explore life, be independent and dependent, without fear of the sexual!  That is the big fear, right, that your partner will place his penis into someone else, or that she will allow a penis into YOUR vagina, opps, I mean her vagina?   I think… that’s the fear?  That’s SO DIRTY, after all… And the fear of loss is so strong when you imagine your partner being pleased by someone else, other than you.

But just imagine that you felt 100% safe and secure even as you have many friends, colleagues, acquaintances with whom you both share emotional bonds.

Ok, so what do you think so far?  Do you feel pretty comfortable with this non-sexual open relationship?  What did you say?  It still makes you uncomfortable?  Well, why??

I thought sex was the issue… oh, ok… Sex is NOT the real issue?

The fear is deeper than we suspected, isn’t it…  you also fear that your partner will meet someone else that he or she likes more? And heaven forbid, your partner will leave you sad and blue!!!

To ease that concern, let’s add the safeguard of Progressive Love here.  This is a relationship where there are no cop outs or drop outs.  Your partner has made a pledge to be in relationship with you for life!  So now, let’s pretend you feel totally secure, or can you?  Can you conceive of being with a person who actually WILL NOT ever leave you for another person?  Ever?

Sounds damned near impossible?

Are there people in the world who live beyond fear and insecurity?  Are there people who are not afraid of this kind of scenario?  YES!  This is the entire point of The Progressive Love Movement, to create power couples and power individuals who do indeed live beyond the fear and insecurity that comes as a result of living the modern love paradigm which seems to purport:  Your partner can be stolen away from you.

THIS is the very issue we are facing… a culture that fosters fear, insecurity, and lack of ability to be authentic.  What is most organic and authentic about us as humans is what we are taught to fear – we fear the unknown – it’s crippling.  We cripple our citizens by tacking them love in a limited way.  We cripple our children by continuing to teach them that love has limits, that there may not be enough love or that love can be taken away.

We have to, as a culture, begin lifted this fear from our modern cultural indicators and icons. The fear that we have learned as a culture is the very fear that ends relationships in the first place, EVEN MONOGAMOUS ONES… Our thoughts create our reality and in the back of our minds, as westerners, we are programmed to focus on what we LACK – to fear the UNKNOWN – to fear organic behavior, natural behavior!  You see?  Sad, but true.  Thus, we deep down believe that true love is actually impossible – in the first place – and if we do find glimpses of it in our relationships that we best hold it and guard it for dear life.

We can’t create something that we believe is impossible.

We all want serious commitment and life long partnership without fear… so now we have to believe it’s possible.  That’s the first step.  And we don’t take that step by remaining in the box, trying to feel comfortable.  We take that first step by acknowledging the fear and dealing with it, head on!  If we continue to act on our fear, let our fears determine our actions, we will never face the fear and prove to ourselves that our fears are not true.

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Moving on… if you can move on past the fear, decide and know that your partner cannot be taken away from you by another, your partner and yourself will be able to share more authentically with one another and increase the fun and expansiveness in your relationship.  If he wants to have a closer friendship with his baby’s mother, he tells you.  If you want to go on vacation with your baby’s father, you tell him… just with the promise of no sex.

This becomes an exercise in trust, and by trust I don’t mean the western idea of trust:  that my partner should do what I say – or else!  I mean the Progressive model for trust: that my partner will do things that essentially grow me and show me who I am.

Another benefit of this kind of trust and even non-sexual open relating is this – in the unlikely scenario where your partner slips up and makes a mistake (so to speak) he or she can tell you as well.  Because you are Progressive Lovers, you can talk about it, process, decide that there are no such things as mistakes and allow the scenario to grow you both.  But you will not leave, you will not break the bond, you will not over react and end up tossing him or her away like scrap metal when you know, deep down, that all you want is to work it out.  You won’t shame or blame him, she is not a villain and you a victim.  You are both growing and developing together…

Now some say – why is there a need for any others when you are married to the one you love?  Why even the need for these ‘friendships’?  Well… I’ll leave that up to you to ponder.  In my humble view, the answer is just glaringly obvious when you consider that 100% of what you need and want emotionally can never come from one human, that is not the way we were created.  We were created to share our lives with the world.  Humans are a communal species.  How do you feel about that?

Some say – well, you have to make a sacrifice when you marry, you have to let some of your needs, desires, and wants go… OK.  For those who feel that way – enjoy!  I do not believe that and never will.

But back to the non-sexual open relationship…

Some are still shaking those heads… no no no no.  Is it the incredible and infinite YOU speaking or is it the fear speaking?  And let me end by asking you this:  If you trust that the Universe has your back, then why can’t you trust that your partner is a part of that universal design?  You chose well, and he/she is conspiring with the universe to grow you to your next level of power and beauty!   If you trust the Universe, or God, or Source, whatever you call the highest order – then why can’t you trust your life?  Why can’t you trust your mate?…. Why can’t you trust your choice in a mate without the need to legislate whom he or she can befriend?

Interesting state of affairs.  It’s time to lift this old paradigm off like so many ragged clothing and really, truly and for the love of God/dess ~ LIVE!

Love and Light

Kenya K Stevens

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