Mythologies of Sex and Women in the Black Community

I’m running out of names for my articles so I guess I need to write a book at some point to address all the mythologies being propagated in the black community about sex. At the JujuMama Love Academy we teach about masculinity, femininity, relationships, spirituality, and sex. It’s what we’ve been doing for a decade now and overall I can say we’ve elevated the consciousness of thousands of people directly and millions indirectly. We’ve inspired others to teach similar, if not the same concepts, and still others to make significant changes in their thinking. I’m sure of that and can see it clearly in the world. That said, we still have a number of people adhering to the old paradigm of sexuality and relating; therefore, I have to continue to reeducate people.

A member of our Progressive Love community posted a video and asked us what we thought. The video was by Dr. Umar Johnson, a fighter of white racism, a child psychologist, and a revolutionary in the black community. As I’ve stated before, much honor and respect to anyone who’s doing the work of improving the lives of black people and humanity in general. That said, I need to address some statements made in the video that are potentially damaging to the black community and others. Below are the paraphrased statements made, what he implied by the statement, and my correction and assessment. Let’s go…

1. People have sex too early when looking to relate with one another or upon meeting.

Dr. Umar says when people have sex too early in a relationship it sets up false expectations and assumptions. Essentially, he is saying once two people have sex they set up expectations that were not agreed too before the sex happened. When these expectations are not met, one or both people end up getting hurt. I see where he’s going with this, but he’s wrong. Sex doesn’t set up the expectations; the expectations and assumptions were in place BEFORE the sex happened.

Again, we have another ‘teacher’ vilifying the act of sex as if it has some power to implant thoughts and actions into your brain that spin you out of control. This is the same view as the Christian church – that sex is evil and has the power to destroy your purity and life. No, it’s the belief that sex is a bad thing that fucks people up. It’s the belief that sex is not a natural, normal act that humans were designed to have with regularity that’s the issue. Sex is not bad. Sex doesn’t change your mind. Sex can’t implant thoughts, ideas, and false expectations in your mind. Only you can do that and that’s exactly what’s happened to most people living in this highly religious, patriarchal culture – they’ve accepted that sex is bad and needs to be handled with extreme caution. One of the most natural things a human being can do is fuck. *shrugs*

It’s our culture here in this modern, western, religious society that says having sex means being in a relationship. That’s the issue. Where did that come from? TV. Christianity. Islam. Our mothers and fathers. Empty traditions. Patriarchy. There is nothing biologically or otherwise that supports that sex should mean being in a committed relationship. Even most mammals don’t adhere to that bullshit. So, why do we teach our children this? Why do so many women feel guilty about having sex outside of wedlock? Why do so many men look down on women and not consider them wife material if they have sex outside of wedlock? It’s a whack culture that needs to be fixed NOT an elimination of sex within certain time periods of relating. We have a belief system issue around who we are as human beings. We have our definitions crossed up.

Trust me, a healthy view of sex being a way human beings find pleasure, connect with each, transfer information on the cellular level, and heal one another will eliminate these crazy – sex equals commitment – ideas.

2. People not communicating because they had sex first.

He also mentioned that people don’t communicate effectively about what they want. This is true, but again has nothing to do with sex. People have trouble communicating about sex, work, family, their feelings, their desires, and in EVERY area of their lives. Lack of communication has NOTHING to do with sex, but everything to do with human beings not being ashamed to say what they want and state it clearly. I’ve heard some people decide to practice this kind of communication with 35p cheap phone sex so they can better communicate to their partners when intiating sex. They can be especially helpful if you’re looking to add some dirty talk into the bedroom. I agree people should communicate before sex, during sex, after sex, and all the time. When I was on Dr. Phil, I said this very thing. I said communication is #1. He tried to say wearing a condom was #1. So, I’m like, as long as he wears a condom they don’t have to talk to each other? #whatever Again, don’t make sex the bad guy because you don’t open your mouth and speak. That’s purely on you.

3. Having sex with someone takes away our ability to evaluate this person.

In short, he’s saying once you have sex, your emotions take over and you can’t think straight. Like your mind is blown and you can’t tap into your reasoning and intellectual abilities. Again, sex is the bad guy.

Let’s get this straight, we’re not talking about sex here, but bomb ass sex. Bad sex doesn’t do any of the things he’s talking about. Again, he’s trying to make sex like a gun where if I shoot it at you, no matter who you are, it will damage you. Um…no. Bad sex doesn’t do shit to you, but make you drop a ninja with a quickness. It might make you angry, but believe me, you won’t have any confusion about not seeing this person again. There won’t be any false expectations or assumptions other than the sex will probably be bad for the foreseeable future. So, sex is not this gun that when fired hurts you or worse yet, attaches you to the person you had it with. Most sexual experiences are not bomb; therefore, the attachment problem is not as widespread as he’s making it seem. No, he’s talking about someone blowing that back out to the point where you’re looking for them in the daytime with a flashlight.

Look, anything that delivers high levels of pleasure or value to you will impair your judgment. This has nothing to do with sex. This has everything to do with people controlling their desires and not usurping someone else’s will or freedoms to fulfill their own desires or addictions. I’ve seen people act the same way over money – getting attached to people who have it or give it to them, treating them different, whiling out when the money stops, or whatever. It starts when we’re children sucking the breast and when the new sibling comes along and has taken ‘your’ breast we get mad. We have false expectations that it’s our breast. Why? Because our brains aren’t fully developed into adulthood and we react with emotion when pleasure is taken away from us. That’s all that’s happening. It’s a childhood reaction, but because there’s no initiation into adulthood in this culture we tend to continue to act like children.

From a societal standpoint, this has to do with the scarcity model. When pleasure (good sex) is limited or scarce, we will cut a fool to keep it once we find it. We’ll cut a mf if we feel they’ll take away our pleasure because, well, it’s scarce AND a necessity. YES, sex, touch, and intimacy are all necessities. But if you had ten partners all giving you bomb sex, you wouldn’t care if one of them didn’t want to be with you any more. I mean, you would care, but it’s not devastating. We won’t lose our minds and break out car windows, etc. The black community wouldn’t be such a relational mess and jealousy and envy would fade away. Make sense?

If we would stop treating sex like a Forbidden Fruit or guilty pleasure and pursue solid sexual relationships and experiences then we’d be in much better shape.

4. Another statement that was made is you need time to study a person before you have sex. You know, get to know them before sex blows you mind and objectivity out the water.

Hmm…I see what he’s saying, but, again, it doesn’t make sense. First of all, you don’t know a person until you: (a) have sex with them and (b) go through hardship with them. You can study all day and night for years and think you know them, but don’t. Why? Because, if the sex is good, a woman’s emotions are going to come out. She’s going to be a new person in your life. She’s going to act differently and need to be supported more intensely than before you had sex. The same goes for men. Men lose their dam minds when they have good sex. We get possessive, philosophical, emotional, and violent after we’ve had some bomb pussy. This is especially true when we don’t have access to other sources of good pussy. There are a lot of men in prison because they had some bomb pussy, but couldn’t keep it together outside the bedroom. Now THAT’S when you start getting to know a person, not before. Plus, most people are wearing the mask and faking the funk anyway. Trying to put on their best face so you’ll like them and not see any skeletons in the closet. That’s why they call it the dating “game”.

Lastly, this statement implies you can never have consensual, spur-of-the moment sex. Shiiiiiii. Fuck that. There’s zero wrong with one night stands or fucking in the moment and it’s being done every day all over the world. Again, sex is natural. You don’t need to know someone’s credit history or social security number to fuck someone. Marry them? Ok, but not 69 each other in the back of the Escalade. #sorry

5. Women are psycho-biologically designed to be attached to a man because she’s internal. She takes in more of his energy than he takes in of hers.

What he’s saying here is women are predisposed to getting attached to a man and being influenced by his energy to the point where she can’t think clearly or control the energy she’s just received. I had to address this because it’s one of the biggest falsehoods about the feminine principle and sexuality that’s out there.

What’s a man’s greatest fear? It’s that he’ll hit the pussy with all his might and the woman will yawn and not want to see him again. It’s that he hits the pussy and you tell all your girls his dick game was weak and that’s putting it nicely. It’s that she didn’t orgasm. Men are so chicken shit when it comes to the reality of a woman’s sexuality, it’s scary. During the video Dr. Umar talked about it’s been proven scientifically. Let me explain what’s been proven scientifically:

(a) a woman’s sex drive is higher than an man’s.

(b) women tend to be attracted to and turned on sexually by almost everything.

(c) that a woman can have multitudes of orgasms for hours on end compared to one male ejaculation.

(d) that a woman can fuck for hours or even days and still have her body in tack, outside of soreness or swelling, which is natural with friction sex.

What does that mean? It means the feminine (not saying women here because so many women are miles away from their true selves) prefers fucking and orgasming over relationship structures. This is why I said African and Kemetic spirituality is so important in the black power movement. What deity governs the act of sex? Oshun. Het-Heru. Aphrodite. Last I checked, those were women. They also govern pleasure. Now, why did our ancestors put a female deity in charge of sex? Because she’s the one who loves to do it the most and can do it the best and the longest. In the same way she likes to have children and nurture a family the most. The Kamasutra says, “A woman’s sexual appetite is insatiable.” That’s the kicker. That’s what many men are afraid of and why we create bullshit rules to cage a woman’s sexuality.

The truth is, a woman will fuck you and keep it moving. That’s her nature. Does she do that today? Not so much. Why? Because simps will label her a ho and take her rights away: (a) right to be married, (b) right to be respected as a wholesome woman in the community, (c) right to hold office, (d) right to become the matriarch. As a result of the political and social structure in the west and black community especially, women are in hiding. As a result of man’s desire to ensure paternity we’ve caged our women. Most women are hiding so good they’ve forgotten what they really want and who they really are. Most women don’t even orgasm when having intercourse with a man – that’s how far gone the feminine element has been buried. Much of my work is helping women find their orgasm and pleasure again and helping to educate men on how to support them in doing the same.

6. The last point was that our aura’s bind us together.

All I have to say to that is “And?!” So what?! That’s called human design. The number one way we’ve been designed to unifiy as a human species is through fucking, touch, and intimacy. That’s how we come together (no pun) and develop a deep, true, real love for each other. That’s how it was done in egalitarian societies where people were willing to share everything with each other. Why were they willing to do that? Because they loved each other. Why did they love each other? Was it a doctrine? A philosophy? Religion? No!!! It’s because we shared intimacy, touch, and sex amongst the community and as a result we felt a real connection to everyone. I know that sounds crazy to a lot people, “Wow. I can’t imagine sharing my house or car Rakhem with some ninja down the street. Or giving away food. I just can’t see that.” I know. It’s much more comfortable and natural to walk by a homeless family like nothing happened. Man, this racism and modern culture has done a number on our people. We could literally give a fuck about ourselves and our community and the main tool to reverse that is being vilified by the mass media, teachers, religious folk, and black nationalists. And, yes, that tool would be SEX.

One Love,

[author title=”Carl E. Stevens, Jr.” author_id=””]

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