Merging Queendom & Kingdom Into Empire
Yesterday I did a post here about what it means to run an Empire as a family unit. That is exactly what Carl and I have done over the past ten years. We have gone from me working as a housewife and homeschool teacher for our children, and him as a corporate IT professional and primary provider, to running our own company, JujuMama, which is now in it’s 11th year of operation. Essentially we went from Kingdom to Empire slowly over the past 20 years.
The fact we run an Empire simply means both he and myself are dominant in our own lives. I run my Queendom from the feminine, dominant, energetics and he runs his Kingdom from the masculine, dominant, energetics; and the two come together as a mesh of freedom and joy!
I remember when it was a Kingdom, primarily, our relationship. That was a great time as well, it was much less work for me, as I was subject to his income, his choices his time availability, and his whim. I enjoy being at a man’s whim, and as I run my Queendom currently, I’m always interested in joining a man’s kingdom again, and allowing him to be dominant in my life. My husband welcomes my desire to enjoy this kind of relationship with neighboring kingdoms. I too welcome women – who have well established Queendoms – to enjoy and partner with my husband!
(Maybe I’ll do my next post on what that means as I once had no idea how to run a Queendom… women who have yet to establish their own Queendoms are not great candidates for my husband, nor are men who are not established in their own Kingdoms and wright. Yes I’ll explain that in another post. It’s just important to note that sometimes we are not in Kingdom, Queendom or Empire, we are simply learning to build those…)
Most of you who read my post defining these three states of relationship chose Empire as the modality you’d enjoy. Why is that? Please allow me unfold some of the benefits and challenges of enjoying Empire. It’s not mandatory that you start off as Empire. And there is no rush to get there. First, I’ll share the benefits…
Benefits to making the Empire Grid with a partner:
- Autonomy and freedom in the relationship
- Both partners feeling a sense of self ownership
- Meeting on the even playing field.
- Becoming the Leader in one’s own life.
- Enjoying life long partnership with deep bonded, unconditional love.
- Opportunity to amass greatness by joining many other Queen or King Doms.
These sound great! I’m certain. But getting to this kind of situation takes loads of work. Both persons have to exhibit a willingness to allow the other complete autonomy. This becomes one of the pitfalls, or challenges. In the Kingdom, for instance, I was subject to my husband’s rules and regulations, which meant he felt more responsibility for me as a human. He felt, for instance, more responsible for my happiness, more open to showing up in a certain way as not to disappoint me… And because he primarily set the tone of the household, he was also subject to following – this created a sense of order and security for me. Things became very predictable.
Once I began to develop my own Queendom – which was a task in and of itself as I didn’t want to hurt my husband. I didn’t want, for instance, for him to be upset by my actions, I felt responsible for his happiness in that sense. I felt I was shy when it came to merging with other men and their kingdoms… I feared this might end the support, security and respect I had with my husband… So this took many years of hiding out, being coy, acting shy, and playing dumb. I realized slowly over time that having a Queendom wherein he was not subject to me, but a QUEENDOM in my own wright, meant that I had to put my big girl panties on.
So a few of the challenges of building Kingdom and Queendom into an Empire:
- Less responsibility to “please” one another. No responsibility, actually.
- Having a choice as to whether or not to give in to the needs of other.
- Having full right and power to refuse the other something they need.
- Less romance, end of fairy tale, more of a feeling of partnership or friendship.
- Less agreement and more agreement to disagree when it does occur.
Yes, in an Empire one has to learn that agreement is not necessary. I can express my needs to my husband, but he doesn’t have to do anything about that… And this will not ruin the relationship of those Empire-relating. When my partner doesn’t want to give me something I need, I know I have full power and right to go have it elsewhere. THIS is a benefit, but it’s also a challenge when one is used to DOM relating. In his kingdom I had the position of power in terms of getting my needs met. We were closed-relating and thus he HAD to fulfill my needs. When one of the rules of a Kingdom or Queendom is that we do not go outside these walls for fulfillment, emotional, sexual or otherwise intimate, then the partner essentially owes you those things. Right?
Those perceived benefits are no longer, in the Empire. My husband and myself have told one another ‘no’ many times. And each passing year we feel more free to share authentically about everything. And I actually like it that way. There are even times now (we have separate bedrooms, sacred spaces from which to run our own Dom operations) where I ask that he please sleep in his own room so that I can get some personal time in, or have a guest over, or do the things that will make myself happy. That used to be more difficult for me, when we were in Kingdom, and as I transitioned and built my Queendom.
Even with these challenges, I still feel strong enough to create security in my life. I love the fact that now I know for sure what my husband wants to do, and what he doesn’t want to do. Recall that old question we ladies ask, is he doing this just because I’m asking or is he doing this because HE wants to? I don’t have to ask that anymore. He tells me ‘no’ whenever he doesn’t want to do something. But when he says yes to my need or desire, that still feels good too! And I know it’s real.
I wonder if you can truly understand what I’m talking about here? This is really fun stuff, understanding these grids. Think hard about which you are!
JujuMama Love Academy does a Monday Night call each week where we video conference with you from our headquarters, discussing these topics openly with Academy members! Be sure to join the fray if you’re interested in a well rounded, complete, and full curriculum of relationship teachings!
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Light to you!