A New Progressive Language To Heal Relationships
I remember more than two decades ago, crying in the stairwell when my tools didn’t work to resolve conflict in my marriage… I remember my husband and myself, not knowing what to do, not knowing how to communicate effectively… My entire 20’s was riddled with this kind of drama.
I recall the same thing with my parents, as they too used a communication style that did not work, period. I was in fear that I’d lose my husband, fail at marriage and never be fully loved, or understood. Fotunately for my husband and I we have ended this cycle. We did it by learning to give language to our fears without causing arguments and drama.
Modern relationships are sustained, mainly, on the energy of fear – fear of loss, fear of failure and fear of being authentic. Have you noticed?
The fears are not the issue, really. Fears are natural and can be dealt with as long as we address the other set of innate, human needs, these are: desire for acknowledgement, desire to be understood, and the desire to be witnessed, seen, and met. When these are met, fears are quelled. The issue is our modern love language and the tools we use to communicate do not speak to these natural desires.JujuMama Love Academy is building a totally new communication style; language models that will transform the focus from fear to love! I want to show you what I’m talking about so I’ve given you some examples in this article.
Let’s begin by taking note of something I’ve witnessed as a Love Coach for 11 years:I see that most all heterosexual men I speak to are avoiding vulnerability and deep intimacy by using evasion as a shield. I see that most all heterosexual women I speak to are avoiding deep intimacy and vulnerability by using anger and blunt talk as a shield. And just in case you are in the LGBT community, I see that most all humans living in modern culture are doing ALL of the above – to some extent! This is a direct result of the language issue I’m speaking on. So let’s break this down.
First, most everything about the modern relationship is based on a learned fear of loss. What do we fear we will lose once we find love? We fear we will lose love, that will lose the person we come to depend on to provide everything we need. This is quite a load for any one person to handle, nevertheless, we perceive it’s true that a lover should provide every emotional, and intimate need we have, and once we have found it, we would never want to lose it. Right?
We fear if we lose our beloved we will be ruined. And yes, we would be devastated to lose a partner – especially if they are responsible for all of our emotional and intimate needs. Hell, I fear losing my partners even as they are NOT required to be my everything! So I understand the fear. It’s real and innate. But how do we address this fear beyond tossing tantrums, ultimatums, and having panic attacks when the fears pop up?
The new language JLA is rolling out changes the way we perceive relationships, but that’s not really enough! The real issue is that we need a new way to express our fears as they come up! The current issue is, the expression of fear usually comes out as an outburst! Outbursts usually cause tension and dissension in relationships. We need a new language to help us express fear without being obnoxious!
Language models based on fear of loss looks like jealousy, competition, control, manipulation, and intense rage and anger. We literally speak from these emotive forces when we are in fear! This style of speech is riddled with the very bad blood that essentially ends relationships either way!
Have you ever thought you were fighting on behalf of your relationship only to realize you’ve gone too far and pushed the other person away?
Our language around fear of loss is obvious, we say things like “Is there another woman or man?” “Where the fuck are you at?” “I just don’t trust you” “Do you think I’m a fool?” “I know you are fucking around on me” “You disrespected me!”. so forth and so on…
Now if you stop and think about it and re-read any of the phrases above, these are not things you’d really want to say to the person you claim to love, especially if this person is whom you consider your ‘everything’. Can you imagine saying these things to a person who is giving you a five million dollar allowance each year – free and clear? (Money is everything in the west, which is why I used this example. This is how our partnerships are supposed to feel, right? Secure. So I hope you stop here to think about my question. Would you curse and fuss at a person who was giving you a five million dollar a year allowance, without fail, each year, committed to it year in and year out? Would you use the same language you currently use with your partner? yes or no?)
Why would you say things like this to a person who is giving you everything or even a person who is supposed to be or striving to give you everything?
If you fear losing this person, wouldn’t your language be tailored to support the relationship? I mean this person is your everything! Where is the effective language we might use with a person who has this much weight in our lives? Where is the example of the healthy and respectful and compassionate way to communicate with these persons – even when upset, confused, afraid, and so forth? Did we see it with our parents? No. Do we see it on TV? No. Can it be found at the University level? Well… only if you are enrolled at JujuMama Love Academy… xxoo
The second fear we learned is a real fear of failure. What if things don’t work out with this person? What if this person doesn’t fall in love with me? What if I love them more than they love me? Not only do we perceive that we may suffer loss when we love, but we also believe that if we fail, life will be painful and ugly, henceforth. Trying and failing seems to be a carnal sin here in our culture. I’m not quite sure why this is so, as everyone on the planet will go through this process of striving, meeting a challenge more than once, tailoring reactions and working on dealing with it, repeatedly until death, maybe after! Growth processes are a natural part of being on planet Earth in a physical body. Yet, as a prominent love coach, I’ve met thousands of humans who do not wish to try love anymore, because they have been burnt, ie ‘failed’ so much.
Furthermore, we have learned to expect relationships to fail. Bottom line. We sense there is devastation around every corner, and so we look out for it, we literally call it forth with our language at times – especially evidenced when we say things like “I don’t want to commit to anyone”. “Let’s just have fun” “We are not together like that” “Men ain’t shit, I’ve seen too much” “I’m just taking care of myself these days” “There are no good ones out there” “You’re doing the same fucked up shit she did” …. on and on…
We do not even realize to the extent that we have totally given up on one another. We KNOW the idea of love is nice, but we haven’t seen it work well enough for enough of our friends, parents, neighbors and so forth, to trust it. We know something needs to change, but we seem uncertain of exactly what. In my view, language is a huge part of what needs to change. The way we language ourselves in our relationships and about our relationships will be a MAJOR reset for anyone who wants to live in a whole new world of love.
The third fear at the top of the list – believe me there are many more – is the fear of being real, honest and authentic. We are so afraid of our partners finding out what our true needs are (appearing needy), what our backgrounds are, what we really think about them, what we really think of ourselves… I mean we have entire lists of things we must store from this partner who supposedly should be our everything. I’m speaking from my own personal experience and the experiences I’ve been allowed to witness 11 years as a love coach! We are afraid to be vulnerable, we don’t know how to express our truest truths because we fear conflict, we can’t share our deepest heart because we fear looking weak, we don’t want anyone to know that we have problems, fears, doubts, insecurities – all of this ties into showing up as a real person and being 100% authentic.
We simply don’t do it. I suppose we see no issues with this…
However, the issue is clear: If we cannot show up as a real person in our relationship then are we truly in relationship? We must create a way to show up, despite the fear! We have to devise a way to SAY the things that matter about us in a way that is palatable and meaningful, this is how we will connect on deeper levels. And here in the age of the internet, we have love experts talking, talking and talking using the same languaging style that has not worked for any of us! Why don’t we know how to communicate in the age of communication?
We don’t know how to communicate authentically because we haven’t learned what it looks like to actually show up authentically in relationship and hold space for our partner when they are being vulnerable or maybe when they are angry. We don’t know that conflict won’t end our lives because we have SEEN conflict end lives! We have seen conflict end relationships – so we are deeply afraid of it. We do not believe that our fears and vulnerability will be met with compassion because we do not know how to meet others this way – often we are not even compassionate with ourselves!! We, as a culture, do not believe that anyone can truly know us, including our partners. The language example here is usually silence… Until something just blows up!
Now someone please tell me why we find ourselves in this situation?
In my humble view these are not acceptable spaces to be in, as a nation, as a people. We are more creative, smart and aware than this! Our language and how we have learned to speak to one another is one of the major roadblocks to actual communication. (re-read that sentence) It is time to change our language! I just hope I’m being clear that it’s not the English language that’s the issue, it’s how we use it. Its deeper than the words we say, it’s more about establishing order in the containers we set when we talk to our partners! We need to discover ways to set appropriate containers to be HEARD, FELT, SEEN & UNDERSTOOD.
Have you heard of Roberts Rules of Order? This is a model of communication that helps meetings run smoothly. JujuMama Love Academy has established The Progressive Love Protocols for Order – a set of protocols that support us in bringing more love and less fear in our communication models for relating!
We have know what the old models are like. But do they work? We have heard the terms compromise, communication, and forgiveness used in this regard. Is it time to question these models? Do they work for resolving the fear-based relationship paradigm we live in? My answer is a firm no.
Recently I made a video (below) addressing just the tip of the iceberg of what I expound upon further in this post. I noted in the video the way we use the forgiveness, apology and compromise models have to be re-considered. In my humble view the way we use these are not effective. For example, do you recall your mom telling you to go apologize to someone whom you felt you’ve done no wrong? Well your mom was using the fear-based relationship paradigm! She was teaching you the very model you use STILL today, in your relationship! You apologized as she instructed, but did it help resolve the tension you felt? Did it resolve the tension the other party felt? We apologize, most often, as a quick way to address our fear of loss, fear of failure and fear of being 100% authentic. Something more is needed, not that apologies aren’t needed. But they should at least be authentic, right?
Worse yet, the apology, compromise and forgiveness communication models seem to uphold the victim versus villain model! You felt like the bad guy when you had to go apologize against your will as a youth, didn’t you? You felt like a loser when you were forced to compromise. Right? Theres are real sense of shame in our language style. We have learned to have discussions that end in who is right and who is wrong. This is a very convoluted model to still be using in 2016 in our relationships. These models do not forward connection!
We forgive and compromise for the same reasons… Because we are told this is what we should do. Well… we SAY we forgive. But how often is it really true?
Check my video on this topic
Here is how it works with compromise, we actually tell another person they need to do such and so in order for us to be happy, and then we expect them to do it! If they do not agree off the bat, we use language that amounts to ultimatums, threats, notices and warnings and if the other person does not do as we say (even if it feels 100% INauthentic for that person to comply) we remove our love. We do this because we fear the eventual loss, failure and the natural authenticity that the situation might otherwise bring if we don’t control it!
We fear the unknown because we do not know how to find security there. Plus we have not learned language that brings security. We have learned to guilt trip one another for security and this is no longer going to work.
Are you starting to see how we treat language? Are you starting to see that we are using old models that may be ineffective?
I’m not saying that we should eradicate forgiveness, compromise and apology. I’m saying we need better containers. We need a re-frame of these concepts. An apology should be delivered by persons who feel desirous of acknowledging their own behaviors, compromise should be done based on personal desire for self-development. JLA has created a few new containers for communication that do not shame or blame, guilt or sabotage either party – models not based on who is right and who is wrong.
We don’t have to ignore the person who is having the issue, nor do we have to place blame on the secondary party in order to feel better.
Finally, consider this: How often have you received an apology but still had more to say about the incident that disrupted your peace? If our usual model of apologies don’t restore instant peace, is it useful?
How often has your wife done what you asked her to do (even as she wasn’t 100% authentic in her feelings to do so, she did it to make you happy, she compromised) but you are still not convinced she loves you the way you want to be loved? How many compromises will it take for you to feel loved? How many apologies will it take for you to forgive and forget? Hmmmmm how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop?
The world may never fucking know!
Listen, what I’m saying is that we can do better with the way we are using language. We can create models of communication in our relationships that work. Here at JLA we are about to tighten that shit up. BIG TIME! JujuMama llc is producing one of the first EVER total new language systems for those who want to get out of the fear-cycle. The benefits of the new structure (which by the way will be the Royal Mantle of our Blue Butterfly Sisterhood, our Peaceful Warrior Brotherhood, plus our Progressive Couples) are as follows:
- Finally be HEARD even as you are in your emotions, be heard and respected without fearing conflict
- Finally have a way to express ANYTHING you wish without the other person becoming upset
- Finally have a way or resolving conflict without arguments, ultimatums, threats or demands
- Finally have a way of sharing your fears without insulting the other person
- Finally have ways to ease another person without falling into the blame game and guilt trips
- Finally have a way of bringing up your grievances without turning the other person off
- Finally have a way to ask for help and receive love and understanding without fighting all night
- Finally have a way to feel safe and secure without making demands or call outs
- Finally have a way to feel better exactly where you are without changing for another person or making the other person vow to change
- Finally have a way to say who you really are that endears others to you
- Finally have a way to show up vulnerably, and authentically while remaining strong, beautiful and appealing to others
This is what JLA is working on… Your new loving language! The above video was only a tiny slice of that. Sign up for our newsletter now in order to stay abreast of this topic as it rolls out completely this fall at JLA! Or join our private groups at the Gold, Silver or Bronze Level where we are currently working as a community, building, testing and enjoying these new models! You can also join the themed groups here:
This is super important!! You are on the cutting edge of human expansion if you are feeling this! Thanks for reading JujuMama Blog!
Kenya K Stevens, CEO