The Truth About Men’s Emotions
DISCLAIMER: READ THIS ENTIRE POST OR NONE. NO IN BETWEEN. YOU’VE BEEN WARNED.
I want to clear something up for both men and women – if he is f@!*$%g you, he loves you. Period. End of story.
A man can’t have sex with a woman he doesn’t have feelings for and vice versa. It’s impossible. I’m not saying he’s ‘in love’ with you. I’m not saying he’s going to call you back. I’m not saying he’s going to treat you with respect and compassion. I’m in no way saying his actions will in any way reflect the truth of how he feels inside. All I’m saying is he loves you, has love for you, and cares for you.
Sound contradictory? Not really.
I’m writing this article to address why most people will call bullshit on what I’ve just asserted above and to address the apparent contradiction.
I want women to know you’re not crazy. He does love you if he’s having sex with you. I don’t care how he’s acting. I don’t care if he wipes the sex off himself on the curtain and jumps out the window to catch up with his boys without saying goodnight. He does, indeed, love you.
But I’m also here to let women know, you ARE crazy. Why? Just because a man has love and appreciation inside of himself for you doesn’t mean he is in touch with it. It doesn’t mean he is going to honor it. Having an emotion doesn’t mean understanding it or feeling it fully or even wanting it for that matter. We’ve all been there before, right? Felt something we absolutely despised feeling or were afraid of and did everything in our power to ignore and suppress it.
Our feminine nature is innately designed to be in touch with our internal state (feelings). She (the feminine) has to be in touch so she can nurture young from dependence to semi-independence. She has to know exactly what’s going on inside of her if we’re going to survive as a species. She has to be able to feel every feeling and emotion taking place inside of her because what’s inside of her WILL ultimately be manifested in the world.
Where men are concerned, how can men take responsibility for something he can’t feel?
The external world of men is a beautiful display of what’s happening inside of the women who reside in it. She’s the artist that paints our reality before it’s fully manifest and it all begins inside of her. Her feelings and emotions are her guide in the design process, telling her which brush strokes to make in each and every moment.
The masculine is designed to be in touch with the external environment. He (the masculine) must in order to serve, protect, build, and destroy. His artistry involves manipulating manifested reality and turning it into something useful and powerful like wood into houses or stones into monuments. In other words, he takes what the feminine creates and manipulates it for the good of the whole. She’s the internal artist and he’s the external artist. It’s a nice synergy.
Life is a team effort, whether we’d like to admit it or not. It takes a village to maximize our potential as human beings.
Women need to understand it’s difficult for men to focus on their feelings. We’re just not innately equipped for it and the more we’re in our masculine the less we care too. We can do it, but it takes effort, practice, discipline, and vulnerability and those things can be difficult to balance while staying hungry for success and material pursuits.
Let’s shift the conversation for a second.
It is impossible for two human beings to come together without love being present, because LOVE is what brings people together. LOVE is the driving force. It’s at the root of attraction, desire, lust, and romanticism, which are all just expressions and aspects of LOVE. Try making love to someone you hate. Try even imagining making love to someone you TRULY hate. It’s beyond difficult. It’s impossible unless underneath the hate is really love, which is usually the case, but I digress.
But Carl, I just met this girl tonight and we f****d in the bathroom at the club like two gorillas in heat. You’re telling me I love her?
Yes! Again, men are not women. We don’t need five months to resolve internal feelings and emotions. We don’t have to go through a long ritual of giving ourselves permission or justifying our desires. Why? Because we know it’s LOVE. We know it’s real right away. It’s easy for us to LOVE what’s outside of us without having to acknowledge the inner emotions supporting that desire. Yes, the internal feelings are there, but we’re spared from having to deal with them. As men we don’t have conflicting emotions and thoughts leaving us in paralysis or causing us to run the other direction. When we see something we LOVE (desire, want), we pursue it. Done deal.
Plus, it’s a falsehood that LOVE takes a long time to feel or develop. It’s one of the most damaging beliefs modern human beings have. Love is our natural state of being and is always there. The work and effort show up in resisting it, delaying it, and suppressing it. That takes work. Denying how you really feel takes work, but expressing love in the moment if you’re keeping it real, is simple.
Why doesn’t he call her back if it’s LOVE Carl?
Because, he’s not in touch with his inner feelings; thus, not in touch with the deeper connection. He can not consider everything she’s feeling on the inside that enabled her to make love to him in the first place. He’s thinking she’s thinking like me, but she’s not. She’s in her head, heart, and inner feelings while you continue to focus on all the things you LOVE in the external world. It’s there in him as well, but he can’t feel it; meanwhile, her organs are crushing her from within. Her heart aches.
Here’s another way to look at it, although she may not like this.
She (the feminine) doesn’t love YOU; meaning the external you, but rather how YOU make her feel. She loves how she feels on the inside from being with you. Make sense? There’s a difference. He (the masculine) LOVES your externals – your lips, hips, eyes, skills, character, aspirations, and everything he can see, taste, hear, and touch. He loves the pure artistry of who you are – the manifested brilliance. She LOVES the things about you that activates something within her. Her LOVE is really about how she feels inside. That’s her barometer – feeling. Often times, she can’t even explain what it is about you that makes her feel that way. Her girlfriends will even say, “Girl, I don’t know what you see in him.” Not to worry – no one does. Not even her because it’s often not tangible or describable.
Let’s go deeper.
Not only are men NOT in touch with their feelings, but it’s extremely painful and uncomfortable for us to feel deeply in that way. Why? Because we’re not used to it, number one. It hurts. I can speak for myself, it sucks pretty bad. Through my tantric studies I have learned to feel internally as a man. I learned to feel every aspect of sex. I’ve learned to allow my feelings to express themselves. I recently went to my grandfather in-laws funeral and it was emotional for me. I wanted to get up to speak, but I didn’t because I knew I would cry in front of a packed room of people. I didn’t want people questioning why I was crying because he wasn’t my actual grandfather. I didn’t grow up going to his farm during the summers as a child like my wife.
I almost cried when I spoke at my brother’s wedding. It took everything I had to hold back and the crowd had to tell me it was alright. I cried when Barack Obama was elected President. I’ve cried watching movies because I could feel the emotion being communicated through the screen. I cried like a baby at my spiritual brother’s funeral – Amensa Shep Teker (#RIP) and it felt good to let it all go. I’ve felt love so strong, I’ve wanted to cry. It’s just hard. It’s painful. I’d rather someone just beat me with a wooden staff.
It may sound strange, but there’s something comforting about getting a physical beat down versus emotion crushing you from the inside. The physical beat down is more predictable and when it’s over it’s over. I get to lay in dead man’s pose and feel the peace come over me. The emotional beat down is a puzzle. It has no mercy. It’s not predictable. It gives me relief today, but tomorrow I wake up doubled over in pain. Today it’s my heart, tomorrow it’s my head, the next day it’s my stomach. I can’t put a bandage on emotional pain. I can’t wrap it. I can’t tell you when I’ll be better, but I can for a broken bone or cut. “You’ll be all better in two months Mr. Stevens once the bone heals.”
It’s difficult for men to feel emotion because emotions are energy and energy needs channels to travel through.
The best conductor of electricity is water and women tend to carry and hold water better than men. Women are the best conductors of electricity making them the best housers of emotions. In other words, even though she’s crying and sad, she can take it. She’s built to take it. She’s built to house energy and channel it. Another way to look at it is, women have a superior internal physical construct to men while men have a superior external physical construct. Women can take more internal (stress) pain and men can take more external (stress) pain. I love the metaphysical balance in that. I love how we destroy the notion of men being physically superior to women and women being physically inferior to men because it’s just not true. The masculine and feminine are equal, but different.
Women need to know that we as men, run from these feelings and internal emotions.
It’s scary and debilitating. After these crying experiences, I find I’m pretty much done for the day. I know women can relate to that, but men who haven’t allowed themselves to feel may be bewildered. All you can do is lay down or zone out somewhere or find a substance (alcohol, etc.) to disperse the pain. “Nobody’s got time for that.” Trust me, 99% of men will opt out of that mess and run from it. Make sense? I’ve got things to do. Money to make. People to see. Boys to hang with. I can’t afford to be all in my head all day. I can’t walk around with my heart crushing me while I smile in my boss’s face.
I didn’t cry my whole adult life until I was trained in tantra. I was recently watching a video of my tantric teacher Shantam Nityama crying while giving energy work to his client and could totally relate to how he was feeling. I could feel the emotion. He was balling and I had to hold back my emotions because I couldn’t be out for the day, not getting work done.
I want MEN to get what I’m saying because we can be guilt tripped into feeling bad about our behavior. I’m not giving us a pass for everything we do, but I am saying it takes major effort to acknowledge how you really feel and act accordingly. It takes courage to admit you have love for her. That you care for her. It takes courage to search yourself and find that LOVE I’m referring too. It takes understanding to realize why she’s criticizing you for not feeling and behaving the way she does. It’s ok. She’s running down hill when it comes to connecting with you and saying “I love you” and texting and calling and thinking about you all day while we men are running uphill. It’s no problem for her because she’s built for it. You’re not.