Progressive Love Kills Self Love & Self Esteem

Prose | Original Concept | Kenya K Stevens, CEO JujuMama llc 2012

Well, it all begins here – the slaying of two modern concepts: self-love & self-esteem.  Most of us use these cliches without even thinking of ramification.  I have conceived a way to view these concepts that runs perpendicular, indeed upward, from the modern view.  I think it works.  I ask that you share your thoughts after you check the technique…

So here is what inspired me to kill these concepts… some lovely soul made this comment to a post I created:

The thing is to be able to love ourselves without always needing affirmation from another person…..we are our own best friend and lover. ♥

When we no longer NEED constant affirmation from others we really become free. We are also able to love others in a more accepting and liberated manner.  In order to love fully and maturely, we do not require other people to be our “pacifier” or “thumb in the mouth” in order to make us feel OK.

In reply to this statement I said:

We are all one being. Loving and needing others IS love for self!  I am not an island. Connecting with others deeply is indeed necessary.  In fact, I believe the deeper the connections we create, the more we love self – which is the great all.

I have vastly different views on low self esteem & self love Most modern ideas on love are shaped around a mindset that has retarded our love lives… the view that we are separate.  I am not a fan.  I believe we are indivisible/duality (Ra Un Nefer Amen).  We consist of higher self and personality.

Self love and self esteem should reference connection.  We’ve never stood alone nor should we force ourselves to. Modern theories do not take into account acknowledgement is just as important as food and water to human beings.

What is Self?

In order to know what self love is, we must first ask ourselves the question what is self?  Who is self?  Does self = personal identity or personality, or is self a concept that encompasses much more?  Is self what we love when we talk about self love? Let’s explore self as personality, or personal identity, then look into self as higher power within.

Our personalities change every day, with each new experience.  If self = personal identity or personality, how can we love a thing so dynamic, so changeable?  Can we love our personality one day and then when we change a thing about us tomorrow, fall in love again?  Daily adjust?  What if we don’t like some parts of ourselves, parts that bother us like bad habits, old habits, futile habits, dangerous habits?  Do we not love ourselves truly until we get rid of what we don’t like in our personalities once and for all?

I’m not saying one should not observe and appreciate one’s personality.  But I am asserting the concept of ‘self’ must be larger than one’s personality – if we are to expect to consistently be in a love affair with it.  Correct? …

How many of us can pull that one off, loving every single little thing about your identity, personality, personal story every day and all the time?  Well… this is the impossible notion modern concepts of high-self esteem or self-love promote.  The self spoken of in self love could not mean ‘personality’ as there are no such thing as unattainable universal laws.

Which begs us to define self –>> The Progressive Love Concept self has to do with the larger part of what we represent, the part that is not mold-able, not changeable, consistently something lovable.  What part of us is this?  It’s the cosmic, spiritual, higher self.  My ‘self’ is literally the part of me that is connected to all things, the part that knows how to run my heart, synapses and digestion without my input.  Self is the part of me that brings bounty into my life, the part I can always count on to do it’s duty of making my heart beat.  The actual Self is more like our spiritual side, the part of us that is infallible, in contrast to our personalities.  The self has no likes or dislikes (Ra Un Nefer Amen).

How can we realize high self esteem, or self love, when we portend the personality is the self?  Maybe we fail to realize we have two parts, one changeable, dynamic; and one timeless and hidden, spiritual and connected, a peaceful, resolute inner core.

As it stands, we are expected to have this self love bundle in play before we get into a relationship.  Well, how are we supposed to do that, especially when we haven’t defined self before blindly embracing the concept?

When we don’t define self vs personality, self love becomes an elusive concept, a pie in the sky notion.  When we define self as higher power – or Source within us – the we can attain the idea self love was aiming for.  We can easily and always love self!  Self is unchangeable, unconditioned.  Self is pristine.  Self has no flaws, no worries, no hatred.  My self is not my personality!  My self is something unmovable, far beyond whim… you see?

Progressive Love’s Kenya K Stevens kills the notions self esteem & self love.  #POW Forget about personal self-love.  Love your Self in EveryOne!

Part II Modern self love and self esteem cause confusion in relationships. 

If self is higher self, and higher self is actually connected to all beings, the thread of consciousness that makes us ONE with all others, then we would indeed not be able to exhibit love for self in a vacuum – or by our lonesome.  Right?  Here are some examples:

Some believe a woman has low self esteem if she is working through issues with a man that YOU would NEVER “put up with”.  Some believe a man has no self love if he is dealing with issues in his personality such as anger management or cheating.  A woman who deals with a verbally abusive man has no self love, needs to leave, is suffering self esteem issues… so forth.

I think this is a huge cover up to hide how very little this culture teaches us about the actual nature of life an love – and yet proclaims to know self love!  We are embarrassed not to understand life’s challenges, so we cover over the idea that pain and challenges may just be natural parts of having a personality, and having relationships – not an indicator of low self esteem.  We cover up the idea that pain is sometimes the greatest birth-er of truth. We don’t like the sneaky suspicion that maybe pain and challenges bring us into solidarity with the higher self – a mystery we justify ignoring.

So if we have a wacky idea of supposed self love that is actually denoting protection of the ego from “pain” then we may never uncover actual love for self, or utilization of our higher functions and processes – which always resolve conflict and bring peace!  The higher self, is beyond the ego.  The ego – bless it’s heart – is embodied in the personality.  So the modern concept of self love actually denotes a love for ego!

If he is hurting you, run!  If she is “abusing” you – leave!  If he is “making your ego angry” run for the hills!  It’s folly!  You don’t have low self esteem if you are in a tedious relationship, you are actually discovering your truth!  You are discovering, if you allow it to be, that your true self can shift and change life in any way it wants, just as easily as it beats your heart consistently, and runs your blood flow properly for 80 to 100 years!  (Well give or take based on what the personality has you to eat and drink)

Deep connections with other selves and personalities (relationships) are very important in this idea of coming to love the true self – the higher self.  To love the higher self is to understand it, to know it, to utilize it, finally instead of responding to the ego – To allow it to come to the forefront of your life!  That can only occur through allowed, shared experiences with others.  Again.  Relationships.

I believe relationship is the only religion and it’s God/dess is Love…

~Kenya  Stevens, Twitter, #2012

So to recap why I call bull on the self esteem and self love paradigm.  You dig?

The main reason we don’t buy it here at JujuMama’s Love Academy is because these concepts subtly indicate we don’t need other human beings to exercise or employ self love or self esteem.

I recall having been diagnosed with a pernicious disease.  In the hospital I found that self, I employed her, I asked her questions!  This was not my personality – which was actually the one crying and freaking out – this was the highest part of me.  In that hospital I discovered what the self actually is and how very powerful it is!  That self healed me, and my little funny ole personality.

Love for the actually higher self can only be actualized by digging in during challenges in love scenarios and other areas of life!  Through experience is the only way to find love for this higher self!  Challenges grow us!  Grow us into what?  Closer communion with the actual self!

We do indeed need each and every challenge that comes our way in relationships!  We need others to bring us into conflict in our ego so we can seek and employ this loveable, peaceful higher being!  It’s foolish to say – we don’t need a relationship – not until we love ourselves.  We most certainly need to go on a journey of discovery with others in order to realize love for self.  Love and acknowledgement from others is not a simple pacification.

Would we say we don’t need the sun, moon, trees, or waters to pacify us – to make life livable – to make us feel better about ourselves!??  See!  Here is the issue.  The higher self needs all these things to even do it’s job of running our heart!  We MUST have oxygen and water and sun and night!  In like manner we MUST have others!  They feed us the very experiences we use to know and love the highest self!

So why is this self love/self esteem doctrine so popular?

The self love/ self esteem doctrine comes from a direct fear of love, connection, and a fear of other. It was born inside a focus on rabid individualism and self sufficiency. Same place where “don’t spoil the baby by holding it” came from. You see?  Ownership/control… Spare the rod spoil the child.  Make the child stop crying.  Speak only when spoken to.  Separate rooms.  Secret lives and lies.  Protect the ego at all cost – this signifies high self esteem.  Never let em see you sweat.  Never be vulnerable.  This is where the self love concept was born… It’s similar to self motivated.  Who is self motivated?  Please!  People and things motivate us… that is the only form of motivation.

It is deception.  It’s nebulous.  It’s impossible.

I don’t buy into the concept. It’s a created thing. How much non-connected, non – supported living can we endure?  How do we become stronger than our need for acknowledgement?  And why is this considered noble, to grow away from our divinity?  The ability to love deeply makes us divine!  Besides,  I’m Leary of Do-It-Yourself ANYTHING! It keeps us separate, unable to acknowledge our need for the sheer talents of each of us, for an intimate embrace from other; and dependent on the wrong things… like wearing the mask that grins and lies (Baldwin).

To answer all questions about how you are doing with this raggedy line “Oh I’m fine”.  Is not a symbol of self esteem nor is it an indicator of self love.  Maybe the answer could be “I need a hug.  I am trying to find peace.  I miss my beloved.  I’m hungry for affection” are better answers and symbols of esteem and a quest for answers from the highest self.

These old paradigm views are like trying to prove our independence by living without the sweet caress of air!  We don’t need air anyway – just as we claim we don’t need love – that instead we are working on this illusive mystery called self love.  Air, like love, must come from within first before we seek it outside… Ummmmmm no.  Air and love just are.  They come from what is.  They are everywhere.  All the time.

Let us find some new language, folks.  Let us begin now.

In solidarity, love and full trust…

Kenya K Stevens

January 29, 2012

PS | If you see edits become my editor babe.  Email me


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