Forgiving the Woman Who Got Pregnant on You
THIS IS A POST FOR MEN ONLY.
As men we rarely spend enough time repairing the mental and psychological damage incurred throughout our life journey. We go through so much shit, but usually lack the tools, awareness, and support to get ourselves right again…
Part of the problem is we were never taught that our internal feelings and stresses count for something. The other part of the problem is we think we’re invincible. Most of our challenges as men are a result of mental wear and tear. Stress. Disappointment. Rejection. We hear harsh words and criticisms and internalize them, but pretend we don’t feel the pain. We’ve gotten so good at suppression that we really don’t feel the pain anymore. But just because you don’t feel it doesn’t mean it’s not there.
Most of our trials as men come from our interaction with women; whether they be wives, lovers, girlfriends, mothers, teachers, aunties, sisters, bosses, babysitters, or otherwise. It’s just a reality for many of us. Everything else in life, including career and finances, are a distant second for most of us when we look at the totality of our lives from birth to death.
One of the biggest traumas many men have endured is with women who’ve given birth to children against our will or without our consideration….
This is so traumatic to us as men that it hurts just as much when our friends or brothers go through it. It hurts so bad we’ll assign these women a name (i.e. baby mama) to show there’s zero love for her, zero connection to your heart, and even disdain. We don’t even give her the title of ’mother’.
I would venture to say this circumstance is one of the top three stressors many man will ever go through in there lives. I’m saying this based on my numerous coaching discussions with men and women AND my observation of men’s often times defensive behavior towards women.
And I’m not getting into fault or blame because those discussions are futile and violate our manhood. We know how we got here. We create our lives with our choices, intentions, and expectations. What we see around us, and all those within our cipher, belong to our kingdom. We as men accept responsibility for all of our choices and we all do our very best to handle our responsibilities. We understand the risks we take attempting to experience the highest form of soul energy available on the planet – sexual and intimate connection to a woman – our creative compliment. We understand the risks in learning about ourselves as we go; and, with all of that we do our very best to get it right.
I firmly believe that applies to all of men – all men are doing our very best. I know our intentions when it comes to our children is always in the best place because it’s in our nature as men to serve, raise, cultivate, and protect all; especially, our children.
Regardless of how you’re told you show up by the courts, your child’s mother, a spouse, your child, elders, other men, Facebook posts and comments, or whoever; just know the very nature of manhood is to do all we can to show up and be accountable in the now even if it looks contrary to others. Always check your heart for your truth first before opening your ears to the voices of others. That’s my declaration and acknowledgment as a man to my brothers. The important thing is that you realize the truth about yourself amidst the comments and opinions of the world. This is how we maintain our resolve to do the work in the world and remain upright.
The Problem is Choice
Let’s realize part of the truth is our resentment towards the women who’ve either (a) had our children without our blessings and against our will or (b) terminated a pregnancy that we wanted. We hold great resentment when consensual sex for pleasure and passion turns into unplanned parenthood. We resent not having the same amount of choice in the matter as she has. We hold onto that. She can say NO or YES, regardless of what anyone else thinks and make a choice that’s most comfortable to her. Even though it takes two to create, the choice is often (not always) given to only her. That’s a stress and resentment we might carry as men, whether we’re unplanned parents or not. That’s a stress we take into the dating game.
For us, one of the most important decisions we can make in our lifetime is IF and WHEN to bring another human being into existence. I personally don’t know of a bigger decision. Not many decisions can alter the course of your entire life like that one. Not many decisions require us as men to completely and totally have our shit together psychologically and financially as a minimum prerequisite to saying YES.
In order for us to maximize our effectiveness as men in the world we must learn to forgive those who we perceive as having disrespected us, attacked us, tricked us, or minimized our perspectives and desires. This is where our children’s mothers come in. This is where our ‘almost’ children’s mothers come in. This is where the mothers of our homeboys children come in. This is where all women who look like, resemble, or remind us of our children’s mothers come in. This is where the women we will date some day in the future come in. And to keep it 100% real, in many cases, this is where OUR mother comes in because often times we are that child. This is basically where all women come in.
We Suffer In the End
I understand the resentment, but I also understand that we only handicap ourselves as men by carrying that anger with us. It makes our hearts heavy. It causes us to distrust women out the gate before even meeting them. It prevents us from being able to feel her and get to know her. It keeps us stressed out and interferes with our happiness. It makes us grey way too early. It makes us unconsciously and consciously hate women. It affects how we show up for our children and all children. It affects our money. We end up staying on the defensive. It affects what we teach our sons. It prevents us from giving our daughters substantial advice on dating, marriage, and men that doesn’t make them feel like villains-to-be or leave them confused. It keeps women on the offensive, believing they need a ’strategy’ to get us. If affects how women raise their sons and daughters. It kills community. It kills the love and creates a breeding ground of distrust.
It’s just a weight that we don’t need.
In reality, many of our wives, life partners, girlfriends, and lovers fall into this category. We’re ‘together’ with them today AND they’ve had our children against our wishes. These relationships can suffer forever. There can remain an eternal divide that exists between you and her. I’ve talked to numerous women who’ve said their husband is still pissed fifteen years later for her unilateral decision.
The important thing to understand is our resentment affects us as men. We have to resolve this in order to release the pain and move on with our lives. It’s killing us from the inside out. It has us walking through life with body weights on.
A Clearing Ritual
My suggestion is if you’re in this situation or have a close friend who is, to do the releasing ritual of clearing the anger and letting it go. You can do the following:
Say the following phrases three times each in the morning, afternoon, and evening for two weeks straight.
—“I CLEAR and RELEASE all the ways I feel anger towards <insert her name> for having our child without my approval.”
—“I CLEAR and RELEASE all the ways I feel anger towards my mother for having me without my father’s consent; thus, causing my father not to be in my life.” (I know this may seem contradictory in a way because we may be here because of that choice, but the anger is still there and wreaking havoc on our life and relationships)
—“I CLEAR and RELEASE my anger towards all women for what I perceive as their transgressions towards other men in having their children without their consent.”
What I’ve found is it’s best to do the work even if you’re not sure these things apply to you. I find that we as men have a lot of anger towards women that we don’t consciously recognize. I wish all men power, prosperity, and freedom from mental torment and that they consider these words as a possibility.